I first connected to spirit during a traumatic experience at the tender age of five. Throughout my childhood the abuse continued, and I had many health struggles, but every time I lost my way, I was always guided back to my light, and found a way to rise above and beyond each phase I went through. I enjoyed, the best of every single day, I did a lot of writing, and spent my time mostly alone, and almost always with Nature.
I met my husband and soul mate in my 18th year. We have had an amazing time growing, learning and making mistakes together. We both really wanted a family of our own, but it was to be a long hard road, as I was living with a diagnosis of Stage 4 Endometriosis. I had a total of 27 surgeries, and 17 miscarriages over the course of the next 10 years, the last surgery being a total hysterectomy. We endured great loss, but our unwavering faith blessed us with two beautiful children, (Our daughter, now 21, and our son, almost 18.) never giving up on them being in our life.
One day, on my daughters 14th birthday, I came down with a sudden case of hives. I thought, something must have got me, so I took some meds and waited it out. But days later I was only getting worse, having all sorts of scary symptoms, and I ended up in the emergency room in full anaphylaxis. The cause: Unknown.
After a whirlwind of Specialists, I was diagnosed with a very rare hereditary condition called Mast Cell Activation Disorder. (The Allergic to the World Disease)
Well this really sucks, but I wasn’t going to let it stop me, I refused to accept this. I became virtually obsessed with finding a cure, continued to hit roadblock, after roadblock. The fear that I have passed this scary disease on to my children, pretty much made lose my mind, and eventually, instead of finding this great cure, I was consumed by the condition itself.
I had done it, I became my illness.
I completely lost my faith in myself, my light, even with spirit itself.
Everyday I’d ask, “Where are you now?”, “How much can one soul endure?”,
“Why are you not here when I need you the most?”
I was deflated, and lost. Not understanding at the time, that all of these answers had to come from me, from the acceptance, I was hiding from.
I withdrew from all of my friends and family, from life. I had lost faith in my light. I spent my days in a illness coma, lying in bed, depressed, anxious all the time and terrified to leave my own home for fear of a flare.
This went on for 3 years and then it finally happened.
I went into a horrible flare that I couldn’t get out of, and it had landed me in the hospital, so sick that I should have already passed forward. Surrounded by doctors, I was suddenly overcome with the most glorious and beautiful light-filled feeling, greater and more powerful than I had ever experienced before in my life. I thought this was the end for me, but instead, I was completely washed with love, finding myself crying tears of joy. Meanwhile the doctors that had been with me must have felt what was happening, because they just quietly backed out of the room, leaving me alone with my special moment.
I was blessed with my reconnection with spirit, and our life source.
I couldn’t believe it, you were there all this time, my light was never really lost. I felt overcome that I could feel the joy and gratitude of just being alive, the very miracle of our existence, how lucky we are to have this opportunity, finding a total acceptance of all that I am, and reminding me that I am growing and strengthening my souls path. That I really am beautiful, and that it is okay to be sad sometimes, to make mistakes, but we always must learn and grow from them, or else we will stay stuck just existing, and that’s not what we are here for.
They know me rather well at our local ER, but each time I have a health setback, I don’t let it discourage me. I never lose my belief and faith that I will get through and beyond this. I spend my time making paper flowers out of medicine cups for the nurses, trying to bring a smile to their tired scared faces, as they attempt to deal with a terrifying illness that no one really understands. I stay focused on my light and manage to get myself well enough to be at home with my family again. (My son is more symptomatic than my daughter, but both are thriving beautifully!) Each day I am getting stronger, it may not always seem like it, because with this condition is very unpredictable, and I go into flares daily, but I feel stronger, I feel lighter, and I feel empowered. I know that if I just remain focused on my light and spirit guidance, that I can achieve my world changing dreams. That just being me is enough. Even if this body of mine wants to challenge my every step, I will still take those steps, as I just know that what is on the other side of this incredibly difficult health struggle, is going to be absolutely magnificent.